Ten days of “Silence” – Vipassana Meditation – Lyckebygården, Ödeshög, Sweden
The main building (former barn) for group meditations, meals and daily lectures.
February 29 – March 11, 2012
There are very few times in our lives when we get to take a real break from the stress that normally surrounds us, enabling us to simply enjoy our existence. My intention during my journey in Lyckebygården, Ödeshög, Sweden was to do just that. No-thing. I took a train 300 km from Stockholm to this remote rural area to spend 10 days with 70 people I had never met before.
My earliest childhood memory is of school, with all of the homework and competitive activities it entails, and since then I have always felt the same way: I need a daily goal that I must accomplish to feel satisfied. Our society has sped up exponentially since I entered it twenty-five years ago; this sense of daily chaos prompted me to take ten days out of my busy life to participate in a Vipassana meditation course. Vipassana meditation is an ancient technique first taught by the Buddha Gautama in 2500 B.C. It has since been passed down through generations, helping people to “see reality as it is” along the way—in other words, to free them from emotional suffering. I heard a lot about the technique and its related courses while I was in India, so I made plans to find and attend a course at some point during my European travels. The course requires complete silence; not even eye contact is allowed. How hard could it be to sit still and stay silent? That’s what I initially thought, but it soon became apparent that this was going to be one of the craziest adventures I’ve ever experienced—all while remaining planted on a floor cushion.
This was the forest where we could go for walks during the breaks. It never felt so amazing to put one foot in front of the other.
Before I get into the experience, I will provide a bit of background information for those of you who are interested. A Buddha is any enlightened person. This particular “enlightened being” never wants to create a secular religion, but instead seeks to help humankind discover their inner reality. To ‘discover their inner reality,’ they must learn that the misery in their lives comes from their reactions to internal and external circumstances. We were taught to discover our own ‘inner realities’ through Anapana meditation; unlike yogic pranayama, which teaches people to develop breath awareness by controlling their breathing, Anapana teaches a person to simply observe his or her breath as it occurs naturally. After this technique is fully practiced and understood, one moves on to Vipassana meditation. Vipassana teaches people to systematically move throughout their bodies, observing sensations while remaining equanimous. The idea is that if you remain equinimous, and do not crave pleasant sensations or develop aversion toward unpleasant sensations, you will resist the universal suffering caused by desire. This importance was greatly stressed. It is often thought that we are addicted to alcohol, drugs, money or sex, but this technique argues that it is not the external stimulus that people are addicted to but the sensation they get from the stimulus. For example, even if you quit smoking, you are still addicted to the feeling of the craving; as a result, you will start craving something else to attain that same feeling—unless, of course, you get to the root of the problem and remove those mental impurities. So, for ten days I attempted to at least start the process of removing my mental impurities.
The last day when I finally got to speak with the two guys who I shared the same dorm room with.
The course basically entails ten days of living one’s life as a monk. I was initially shocked when I learned it was completely free; the donations of past students who have completed the ten-day course cover all of the costs, and it is run entirely by volunteers. S. N. Goneka, a former businessman who started practicing Vipassana to help him treat his migraines, heads this organization. He found that it not only saved his migraines but also gave him a new purpose in life. He wanted to spread the practice to as many people as possible, free from commercialization or support from organizations. There are now over 140 courses around the world—Vipassana is even being taught in prisons. Goneka recorded the discourse on video, and assistant teachers were on hand to provide answers for any questions.
The daily schedule was extremely rigorous:
4:00 : wake up to the sound of a gong.
4:30 – 6:30 : meditate in your room or in the meditation hall.
6:30 – 7:15 : breakfast time.
7:15 – 8:00 : rest time.
8:00 – 9:00 : group meditation (The goal is to maintain one statue like position: strong determination)
9:00 -11:00 : meditate in your room or the hall.
11:00 -11:45 : lunch
11:45 – 1300 : rest or meet with teachers
13:00 – 1430 : meditate in your room or the hall
14:30 – 1530 : second group strong determination meditation in the hall.
15:30 – 1700 : meditate in your room or the hall.
17:00 – 1730 : tea time.
17:30 – 1800 : rest
18:00 – 1900 : third strong determination in the hall.
19:00 – 2030 : discourse explaining the technique.
20:30 – 2100 : new additions to the technique are practiced in the hall.
21:00 – 2130 : meet with the teacher.
22:00 : lights out.
The bed that I was happy to crawl into every night. With intense inward focus during the course I had the most vivid dreams of my life!
There was also a code that you had to follow to participate in the course.
1. The Three Shelters: The students repeat, thrice, in Pali, that they are hereby sheltered by the three gems: the Buddha (the Enlightened one), the Dhamma (the noble eightfold path), and the Sangha (the community of seekers and monks).
2. Sila (morality): five vows for new students and eight vows for old students:
1) To refrain from killing
2) To refrain from stealing
3) To refrain from sexual misconduct
4) To refrain from telling lies
5) To refrain from consuming any intoxicants
Old students only:
6) To refrain from consumption of food after 12:00
7) To refrain from use of luxurious beds
8) To refrain from bodily decorations
The course was actually twelve days and started on day zero, when registration took place at five p.m., and ended on day eleven at nine a.m. after a final discourse, meditation, breakfast and clean up. I knew going into this that it was going to be a challenge, but I became increasingly apprehensive about the course as my first day drew near.
The first three days of the course were an exercise in Anapanna meditation. This meditation had to be one of the most frustrating exercises of my life, but it ultimately made me a more patient person. I quickly realized how arduous it can be to focus (or try to) for so many hours on one task. The harder I tried to focus on my breathing, the harder it became—my mind constantly wandered. I tried to focus on the air moving against my skin as it made its way into my lungs, but my mind was like a non-stop radio. Realizing that, despite my years of practice, I could not control my mind for more than a few seconds was such a humbling feeling.
I have never watched the sunrise so many days in a row. I gained a new appreciation for this mass of energy observing as it provided the warmth for new life to emerge during the spring season.
Intellectually, it is easy to understand the concept that everyone views reality from his or her own unique perspective, but experientially, this is a startling realization. Philosophers have addressed this question of human understanding for centuries, and several other fields, like physics, have attempted to identify what reality actually is. Well, after three days in “noble silence,” it became clear to me that memories, those stories that form our life experience, are constantly shifting to accommodate the version that best suits us.
When unpleasant memories gradually arise, it’s startling to realize there is nowhere to run. In my situation, I couldn’t simply distract myself with Facebook, TV, or even a workout. I had to sit and confront whatever it was that was bothering me. As the days wore on, it became more and more apparent that I had avoided or suppressed so many issues—suppressed them so aggressively, in fact, that I assumed they no longer bothered me. At times the emotional rollercoaster twisted and turned in ways I could never imagine. The mind can be so wonderful, and then instantaneously so dark. When your “persona” starts to suffocate, when it feels trapped, it creates torment that makes many of us avoid solitude.
The house where the volunteers who ran the course lived.
The problem with pursuing silence is that, as time gradually passes, the silence somehow becomes louder and louder. Even in silence, my mind was still able to dwell on past failures and future worries. The course taught us a valuable lesson in this regard: thoughts can be upsetting at times, but if you keep pushing forward by steering your mind back to your task at hand, even if it’s something as simple as breathing, they’ll gradually ebb, fading away with your previous waves of thought, no matter how tumultuous they may be.
My isolation from external stimulations quickly led to withdrawal; all of the things I normally had at hand—the internet, my cell phone and plenty of other distractions—were no longer available to occupy my time. It’s strange to contemplate how texting friends or checking Facebook multiple times a day somehow makes us feel connected. When you pause to think about it, you realize how often these habits derail us from accomplishing what really matters. I could easily check my Facebook and email half as often as I currently do; adopting this habit would let me return to everything I enjoyed before the advent of social media. After a few days of abstaining from these technological distractions, I started to really enjoy my break from what were essentially artificial stressors.
The men’s dorm. The retro fitted farm yard was an awesome setting for this course.
On day four, we started Vipassana Meditation: becoming conscious of bodily sensations normally observed only by the unconscious mind. We learned how to mentally scan ourselves from head to toe, feeling both pleasant and unpleasant sensations, while trying to avoid cravings or other diversions. We were taught how to simply observe our suffering, as difficult as it might be, and then gradually emerge from it. Remaining impartial seemed impossible. How could I endure it when I felt the subtle vibrations throughout my body that eventually turned into pain and cramping by the end of hour? It’s pretty difficult not to hate it! But when you become aware of the breathing patterns and sensations that accompany these feelings, it becomes obvious how they correspond directly to your physical discomfort. After ten days I saw how my reaction to the pain I felt could dramatically change its intensity if I was able to remain “equanimous”.
During those ten days, emotions started arising that I thought I had dealt with–I hadn’t recognized that I’d only suppressed them. When you stop yourself from feeling sad or mad, or tell yourself that you don’t need to cry or express agitation, a sliver of emotion is implanted in your being that will fester and cause irritation until you finally release it and endure the pain. Just like a physical sliver, the extractions hurts, but if you don’t expose the wound and cut out the emotional cancer, it will never heal. I imagined myself as a contestant on a show called the “Biggest Loser for Mental Baggage” by the end!
Throughout the discourses, one concept was repeatedly stressed: there is no difference between Muslim suffering, Christian suffering, Jewish suffering or Buddhist suffering. Suffering is universal. We need to recognize how we are one species, united by our individual struggles and sufferings. As soon as we quit pointing fingers at those around us and realize that misery starts inside, the shift will come that happiness also comes from inside. How can we help other people be happy if we are not a happy ourselves? That is why it is so essential that we quit pretending and start working on whatever it is that is causing our suffering and stop it so we can inspire others to do the same. No one else will ever be able to purify your mind! We all have dark thoughts and feelings at times and they love to be fed. But when you are sitting still and “quiet” and these demons are craving some instant pleasure and you refuse, they start to howl like starving wolves. At this point I wanted nothing more than to get up and leave the mediation hall but as I learned if you just let them scream, eventually like a crying infant they will get tired and the noise will settle; at least for a while.
There were several cult-like aspects in the course that were annoying at times. The Vipassana teaching itself is supposedly universal and non-sectarian, but Goneka said that in order to practice it, you couldn’t practice any other techniques. The course taught us that suffering and sorrow are predominant in life and are passed on from past lives to future lives, and that this technique is the only one that will eradicate a person’s endless struggle and liberate him or her into a state or perpetual Nirvana. He chanted in Pali, an ancient Indian language, before and after every meditation for “good vibrations.” Despite his claims to the contrary, evening discourses consistently discredited other beliefs. He also informed us that continuing the practice would require at least one hour in the morning and evening everyday, as well as a yearly attendance of the ten-day course. In a world where people have increasingly busy lives, these requirements do not seem feasible; if anything, they could just become a new source of stress. Consistency is way more important than duration and I believe that even ten minutes a day can make a huge difference!
The last day. It was amazing to discover how different people were compared to the judgements I made during the 10 days!
Overall, I found the course a beneficial experience. But, just like anything else, you take what works and leave the rest. The time I used to better understand myself—and to help me realize that the world runs just fine without me—helped relieve the stress I used to have if I didn’t check my email for a few days. The most important aspect of meditation is the opportunity it grants you to ground your intentions. Quiet time always reminds me to say the serenity prayer—“To accept the things that I cannot change, for the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” “If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it’s not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”
― Dalai Lama XIV
Having returned to fast-paced life, I now recognize how easy it is to sit and breathe, but how challenging it is to stay “equanimous” when you get cut off in traffic, insulted by a sibling, bossed around by your parents, or experience any other agitating situation. This is where the true reward manifests itself: when you learn to effectively use this practice to have more peace in your personal life, and watch how it directly benefits those around you.